Those who know me, and not even those who know well will know this: I like to be in control. Of myself. Of the situation. Of others (is that the oldest child syndrome at play?) I don’t like relying on others to do for me. When I fell, I needed help with everything (thank goddess my daughter was home!). It was hard to accept help in all areas of my life.

Please note: I appreciated the help; I couldn’t have done it on my own. I just didn’t LIKE being reliant on others. It is hard. I also know those who did for me, didn’t resent it and were happy to help out. Judi was at the ER with me; Andi came over and sat with my two youngest kids while I was carted off in an ambulance and helped them clean up the bloody porch and brought me food I could eat as well as stuff for my broken teeth. She even cut off some of the hamburger meat my gums that were getting caught between my teeth. When I went back to work with a broken elbow on the left and a broken hand on the right, people helped with water and gave me rides home until I was cleared to drive.

Right now, we are still in the Waiting Game of house buying. We have a closing date and even a time set for Friday. I still don’t know that we have the mortgage loan. I need to trust the process. I know all will be well. I know it will all work out as it should. I want it to work out how I want it to (and the biggest part of my heart believes it will). There is always that small part of doubt.

Do I deserve it? Have I worked hard enough to earn it? What will people think if we are denied? My parents? My friends? Other family members? The realtor? The people from whom we are purchasing the house (I really wanted to end this sentence with a preposition!)

The biggest worry is there something we need to do for it to be approved. I can and will do it … but I don’t want to do it if I am not 100% sure we WILL be approved. It will cause a hardship in other areas that I don’t want to happen or have to figure out what the next step is.

I am working very hard to let go and trust the process. That is what is all about anyway, right? We can’t control the outcome of most things. Heck, even if we think we are in control, most of the time it is not up to just US. We can be leaving for an evening with friends and trip on the front porch. We can be getting out of our vehicles, parked safely in front our home and be rammed into by a drunk hopped on alcohol and speed.

Patience has never been high on my list of qualities. I remember being so frustrated that Maggie was “four weeks” late. She was my third baby. I was done. Ready to have my supposed little girl (we never really were sure) with me on the outside. How can a third child be so late, you ask? Well … she was ONLY a week late but my midwives were happy with getting a woman to 37 weeks, we could safely deliver at the birthing center anytime after that. So … in my mind, I was ready for her in mid-to late January. She didn’t arrive until February 18th, 6 days after her “due” date of the 12th. Hell, I figured she would be at least a week early as RJ was a week late, Michael right on his due date. It should have worked that way, right?

While I have had to hold back a few tears writing this … it helps me to get it out there. I will be okay, no matter what. It will work as it should. Worry won’t help me or change the outcome. That is the hardest part. I worry and worry and then it all works out for me. It really does. I don’t know how or why but things ALWAYS work out for me. Whether it be getting jobs I really needed. Finding a car that I needed in my price range. Finding a house to rent (when our landlord decided to sell the too-small house we were living in 8 years ago). It.just.does.

My mom has sent me a few quotes in the past couple of days. Two of them came from today@nealedonaldwalsch.com They are copied below:

…that rushing around to fix everything, or to “get ready,”
is not going to do you more good.

Move resolutely, but don’t rush. There’s a difference.
Rushing removes resolution, often replacing it with
panic or irrationality or, at best,
not well thought-out choices.

So keep moving. Don’t stop. But don’t rush. Don’t
race around. Sure and steady gets you there
every time.

You know exactly why you received this message.

And the second one:

…that you can be happy right here, not tomorrow, not
in ten minutes, but now. You can be happy right now.

Byron Katie said that, and she is right. Happiness is
allowing yourself to be okay with what is, rather than
wishing for, and bemoaning, what is not.

Obviously, what is is what is supposed to be, or it
would not be. The rest is just you, arguing with life.
Somewhere along the way you will have to learn to
just Trust Life. (Read that, “Trust God.”)

Why not start today?

Pretty powerful stuff … and exactly what I needed to hear. And believe. And act on. Easier said than done. I figured putting it on paper for my limited world to see might help me. Besides, at least a few of you will read this and send us positive vibes that it all works out in our favor.

So I will trust the process. And won’t cry over the agony of waiting. Today. Can’t change yesterday’s tears.